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People viewed my vague verbal vomit yesterday, so I will follow through with my self satisfying rambling.
I feel like in order really justify any of my own opinions I should really explain myself and how I came to be of the position I am these days. But that's not really short so I think I will start at the beginning today and do something of an instalments process on me. Lets think of them as the "Substitute Girl's Collectors Cards" you know, like base ball cards but imaginary and all proceeds can go to my ego.
(See now you can see where the title of this entry comes in I feel like I'm publicly stroking myself, my egotistical self that is.)
I was born in Sydney to parents who weren't ready to be parents. Now this isn't to say that they were to young, just not parental material. My Father took to it all pretty well but my Mother, well she's nuts you see. We didn't really get off on the right foot, she was told she couldn't have children and had resigned herself to that fact and embraced university and the extra curricular 18+ activities that came with it. I imagine with the view of living her life to the fullest. The problem is that she already had screws loose so throwing in alcohol and drugs made for a delightful individual of emotional kaleidoscopic abilities. My Grandparents have often told me stories of how my Mother caused havoc when she was younger. Her mood swings are legendary and with the whole world being against her and her tremendous sense of entitlement she really does struggle to have everyone one on the same page as her needs.
I feel that I should point out at this point that I don't hate my Mother, I find a relationship with her tiresome and pointless but I don't hate her. Her and I have nothing in common so we don't talk, there isn't and has never been a bond and I think these days neither of us is interested in pretending there is.
So that wrong foot I was talking about, it wasn't just a personality thing it seems to have been a snowball effect. See my Mother wasn't expecting children so she made a a life plan and started on that path, then she was pregnant. Well isn't that just like the world to fuck up her life goals, no consideration at all! That's ok though cause she is capable of anything, being that she knows everything (another of her special talents). So she'll be a mother and a housewife now. And enter the infant. My birth went badly I was a dramatic forceps delivery and by the time it was over she didn't want to touch me (her words). I was taken away so she could sleep, no time for bonding. Then came the breast feeding, oh dear, I had to be lactose intolerant didn't I? And my Father still wonders why he would come home to me crying in my cot because Mum wasn't interested, shocking I know.
Ok so may be babies are just not her thing. Perhaps once I start t become a little person we'll have something to bond over? Not so much. I remember spending days playing under the house and my Mother leaving my lunch sandwich on one of those old tin pub trays on the back table. She'd just put it out and leave me to it. I remember thinking to myself that I had managed to go the whole day without saying a word to my Mother. Now I know you might be thinking that this sounds odd, remembering such details but I do remember quite a large portion of my childhood in vivid detail. I remember the indifference my Mother treated me with as a child. Right up until my sister was born that was how you'd sum up our relationship, one of indifference. She was never cruel but she wasn't loving either. We both just existed together like the unplanned awkward convenience that happen-stance had created.
I think my Mother would love me if she could but she can only love me as a reflection of her own achievements and recognizing that was upsetting and a blessing. This is because is she can love me for that she can hate me as a reflection of her own failures, and that is why we don't talk. I make my Father proud, I learn and grew of my own accord, I have sanity and people like me these are factors my Mother has some serious issues with. See apparently I make it look easy and that makes me a little Bitch. See I must not love her, if I did I wouldn't treat her like that.....you see where I am going with this.
Substitute Girl card #1 Whipping Girl.
For my Mother I will always be another reason why things didn't work out, why she couldn't a good wife and a good mother. I took away my Fathers attention from her, ruining her marriage. And as for being a mother, I didn't give her a chance. I wasn't a normal child, I made everything hard. As the years went on this role would flourish into a full fledged hatred my Mother had for my existence. That's the key word here though, "existence" she didn't hate me personally just the role I played in her life.
That is a common feature of the Substitute Girl though, it is never personal.
And that is about age 4, so that seems like a good start.
