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So now my Mother is pregnant with my younger sister Kory. My parents made the decision to move from Sydney to Darwin while my Mother was 6 months pregnant to live with my Mothers parents my Nana and Poppa. The drive was uneventful, my Father says I must have been the most well behaved 4 year old on that trip. I remember being stretched out along the back seat with my juices and muslibars reading along to my Disney cassette books, I wonder if he realised it was because I was so used to amusing myself? I do remember one night where we stopped along the way at a caravan park, I played with the owners boy in the vacant caravans. I got carpet burn from a chair helping him get into a cupboard where we found a toy gun. I remembered getting anxious because I wasn't even allowed to make a gun shape with my hand due to my Mother's concern about violence, as I got older this became laughable.
On arrival in Darwin my Mother's turbulent relationship with her parents seemed to be relatively calm from what I remember. My Poppa and my Mother seemed to be able to avoid each other spectacularly and I just remember spending most of my time with my Nana, who I'd like to say is a wonderful constant in my life. I do remember my Mother, Father and Poppa getting into a fight one afternoon I don't remember what it was about but my Father came to my Mother's aid. I do remember that this was the first time I really saw my Mother yell and she looked quite wild. This happened not long after my sister had been brought home.
My sister's birth was a bit odd for me. I remember my Mother walking up and down the hall in the dark that night like she was in pain and in the morning when I awoke the house was empty. I had some how managed to miss my Nana being asleep on the couch and walked though the whole house before accidentally sitting on her mistaking her for the couch and deciding I was alone and would have a cry. My Nana woke up and assured me everything was fine and I had a little sister. I don't remember ever going to the hospital to see my little sister and my Mother but I do remember watching my Mother with her and being quite puzzled at my Mothers display of affection. Not jealousy, but I just didn't get it, she didn't act like that. So I didn't really want to play with my little sister as a baby I was too confused.
So after Kory was born and that fight between my parents and Poppa we moved into a caravan park whilst we were waiting for our house to be built. I don't remember a whole lot about my time there. I do remember that that is when my Father taught me to ride a bike. I thought at the time that he did it quite harshly but it was effective, basically he took my training wheels off and pushed me down a small embankment - I didn't fall off. And I had a classic child moment of sheer panic quickly forgotten after realising a sense of excited accomplishment. I spent so much time out riding my bike around the car park. One day we tried to see if I could ride backwards and I think this is when I got my first scar from tearing open my elbow on a rock, my Mother didn't really let me play with those kids after that.
After that we moved into our brand new house in Palmenston a new emerging suburb about 20 mins from Darwin. For the first little while things were quite good. My Mother and Father got along, I started school and I got a big girl bike. I started to become a big sister to Kory and my Mother made friends with Katie a lady who lived not far. I don't know how they meet but I know they played netball together. She had two daughters the same ages and Kory and I so it worked out rather well. My Father had a good job, my Mother had friends, there were kids to play with and I had the coolest cubby house (that my Father had built) out of all my friends.
And then my Father got a job working on an island for 8 months, my Mother came undone without supervision. My Father tells me this is when my Mother got back into drugs but for the most part I remember being yelled at and being in trouble often and listening to my sister scream unattended in her cot. I can remember my Mother drinking wine a lot and cider. I am guessing this is when her drinking habit started. She wasn't violent yet but I remember leaving to go to school early and help the school priest tend his rose garden. I vividly remember my Mother dropping me off at school one morning and she forgot I was in the back of the car, if took me a good 5 minutes after passing my school to get the courage to tell her I was still there so then I was screamed at. I made it to class before I started balling and was sent to the office I remember begging the principal not to call my Mother and I spent the rest of the day with the school priest helping him for the day. When Father Ted died I lost my first safe place and roses still make me angry.
This is the point in my life when I felt alone. Not just alone but my own person. My Mother treated me with indifference veering toward loathing, my Father wasn't going to always be around and people in my life weren't there to stay. Some dark little realisation pacman-ed up some of my childhood at that point. That ignorance that a child has that makes the blissfully unaware of grown up problems eluded me from that point and I became an individual. After that I didn't need anyone to hold my hand.
Substitute Girl Card #2 Stand alone
I don't resent this development, if it hadn't happened when it did I do not think I would've made it this far. I may not have always been able to stand straight but I've always been able to stand. I hate that it was when I put hope in a box though. I didn't really pull it back out for a long time either. I somehow knew that things would be as they were and to change them was pointless and to get through them was a practical goal.
Oh and we're up to age 6.
